If you’re in the middle of a legal dispute with a partner or ex-partner — especially one that’s left you anxious, overwhelmed or unsure of what’s “normal” anymore — this blog is for you.
Modern relationships don’t just live in shared homes, conversations and routines. Increasingly, they live in phones, messages, emails and digital interactions that continue long after separation. And when a relationship turns controlling, intimidating, or abusive, technology becomes one of the easiest and most powerful tools for that harm to continue.
This is called technology-facilitated coercive control (TFCC). And you are absolutely not imagining it.
The patterns you’re noticing — the constant messages, the needling comments, the micromanaging, the sudden spikes of hostility, the anxiety before opening your phone — they matter. And they have names.
Recently, on the Capyble Podcast, we spoke with Jenny Rudd, founder of Dispute Buddy, about exactly this. Jenny’s company helps people collect, export and organise their messages for legal disputes, but it’s also become a lifeline for people trying to make sense of digital behaviour that simply doesn’t feel right.
Her message was clear:
If your antenna goes up, that’s your intuition trying to keep you safe.
And you deserve to listen to it.
This blog will help you understand how tech can be used to control or harass you, how to recognise the signs, and what practical steps you can take — from documenting patterns to protecting yourself.
When Technology Turns into a Tool of Control
Not all abuse looks like shouting or threats. Much of it sounds like:
- “Where are you?”
- “Why didn’t you reply?”
- “You always ignore me.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “I saw you were online.”
- “Who were you messaging?”
- “You need to explain yourself.”
Or it shows up in:
- Hundreds of messages in a day
- Demands for immediate responses
- Criticism disguised as “concern”
- Checking your location
- Reading your messages
- Commenting on things you never shared
- Screenshots taken out of context
- Endless arguments sparked online
- Passive-aggressive texts that ruin your workday
- Digital silence followed by sudden rage
If this is starting to feel familiar, you’re not alone.
As Jenny explained, most people who come to Dispute Buddy are in the very first phase: noticing something feels wrong but not yet having the words for it.
They’re often:
- Women who’ve just left an abusive relationship
- People preparing for family court
- Individuals gathering evidence before seeking legal help
- People trying to understand “Is this normal, or is this harmful?”
- Those exhausted from rereading abusive messages over and over
Jenny built Dispute Buddy after living this exact experience in 2021. A lawyer asked her to screenshot everything — every message, every interaction — and email it all. It was retraumatising. It was exhausting. It was overwhelming.
She realised something important:
The legal system often asks the person who has already suffered harm to carry the heaviest administrative burden.
So she built a tool that removed that burden — and allowed people to see the truth of their situation without reliving it.
When Your “Antennas” Go Up — Trust Them
One of the most helpful practical tips Jenny offered was this:
When someone says something that feels off, confusing, manipulative or aggressive — stop defending yourself and ask one simple question:
“I’m sorry, what do you mean?”
Why is this so powerful?
Because:
- It forces the other person to clarify their behaviour
- It interrupts the cycle where you explain yourself while they attack
- It prevents them from shifting blame onto you
- It makes them articulate what they are actually trying to do
- It takes the power out of vague intimidation
Jenny said something that resonated deeply:
“When your antenna goes up, that’s your internal safety system. Don’t ignore it.”
Your discomfort is a signal, not an overreaction.
Digital Abuse Doesn’t Always Start Loud — It Often Starts Quiet
When people tell their stories to Dispute Buddy, Jenny hears similar patterns again and again:
- “It started with small digs.”
- “He was always checking where I was.”
- “She’d get angry if I didn’t reply fast enough.”
- “He kept messaging me during work meetings.”
- “I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own phone.”
In many cases, it takes months to realise:
- The volume has increased
- The tone has shifted
- The fear has grown
- The blame has become constant
- The messages no longer feel like “communication” but like “control”
This is coercive control — the slow tightening of someone’s autonomy, often through technology they rely on every single day.
Reactive Abuse — And Why It’s Misunderstood
Jenny spoke about a term people often only discover once they’re deep in a toxic dynamic: reactive abuse.
This is when:
- Someone has been worn down
- Their nervous system is frayed
- They’ve been yelled at, belittled, or harassed
- And eventually… they snap. They yell back. They curse. They push back.
Perpetrators then weaponise this reaction:
- “See? You’re the abusive one.”
- “You’re unhinged.”
- “You’re the problem.”
But as Jenny said:
When someone has been pushed to their limits over and over, their reaction isn’t the cause — it’s the symptom.
This is why Dispute Buddy intentionally stays neutral.
Its job isn’t to judge.
Its job is to show patterns — clearly, fairly and simply — so the truth is visible.
Victim-survivors have told Jenny:
“Seeing the patterns laid out gave me validation I hadn’t had before.”
What You Can Do If You Think You’re Experiencing Tech-Facilitated Coercive Control
Here are the steps Jenny and Capyble recommend — practical, achievable and grounded in safety.
1. Notice the patterns
Ask yourself:
- Does this behaviour make me feel small, confused or controlled?
- Am I constantly explaining myself?
- Do I feel anxious before opening my messages?
- Have their texts become unpredictable, hostile or demanding?
- Am I scared they’ll escalate?
- Do I feel like I can never “get it right”?
Your feelings are data.
2. Don’t delete messages
Even if the messages are painful to read…
Even if you want the conversation to “just stop”…
Even if you’re tempted to clear your phone…
Don’t delete anything.
Every message, voicemail, screenshot or email is evidence — not just of a moment, but of a pattern.
3. Use a safe method to collect and organise your evidence
This is where Dispute Buddy shines.
Instead of:
- Screenshotting hundreds or thousands of messages
- Manually scrolling through painful conversations
- Re-reading abuse
- Trying to decide what’s legally relevant
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Losing track of the timeline
Dispute Buddy:
- Exports your messages into a clean, chronological timeline
- Keeps your data private (they can’t see anything)
- Highlights communication patterns
- Helps you spot escalation and manipulation
- Shows evidence neutrally
- Helps you move from overwhelm to clarity
- Prepares you for family court, mediation or legal advice
It turns chaos into order — without retraumatising you.
You can learn more or get help at: https://disputebuddy.co/
4. Create digital boundaries
If it’s safe to do so:
- Turn off read receipts
- Disable location sharing
- Set “Do Not Disturb” during work hours
- Block them on social media (only if safe)
- Change passwords
- Review shared cloud accounts
- Use two-factor authentication
- Consider a new email address for legal communication
If you’re unsure what’s safe, speak to:
- 1800RESPECT
- A local DV service
- A digital safety specialist
- An EAP (if your workplace has one)
You deserve safety — in your phone as much as in your home.
5. Get support — emotional AND practical
Experiencing digital coercive control is exhausting.
You are not meant to navigate this alone.
Consider:
- DV support services
- A caseworker
- A lawyer (even just for one advice session)
- A friend you trust
- Online communities
- Dispute Buddy’s resources
- Workplace FDV leave
- Counselling
You don’t have to make every decision immediately.
One step at a time is more than enough.
A Bigger Truth: It’s Not Your Fault
Something Jenny said in the interview has stayed with so many listeners:
“Inequality is such a waste.”
She sees — every day — how digital abuse drains good people of time, energy, hope and capacity. People who could be building careers, raising healthy families, creating art, founding companies, resting, healing.
Instead, they’re stuck documenting abuse, re-reading messages, or trying to understand why someone they once trusted now uses technology to harm them.
But none of this is your failure.
It’s the failure of systems built without women’s experiences in mind.
As Jenny said:
“Legal systems were created by a small, unrepresentative group — not by women, not by people of colour, not by people who understand abuse.”
And until those systems change, tools like Dispute Buddy exist to help you navigate them with more power, clarity and fairness.
A Hopeful Note — Healing, Equality and the Path Forward
For the 16 Days of Activism, Jenny shared a powerful message inspired by Matt and Sarah Brown from She Is Not Your Rehab:
We will only solve gendered violence by healing boys and men who have suffered harm.
Violence doesn’t start in adulthood — it starts in childhood pain.
Kindness and healing are the antidote.
It’s a reminder that:
- You deserve kindness.
- You deserve safety.
- You deserve systems that work for you, not against you.
- You deserve peace, healing and a future free from digital control.
Technology may be used to hurt people — but with the right support, it can also be used to set them free.
If You’re Navigating Digital Abuse Right Now
Here’s what I want you to know:
- You are not imagining things.
- Your discomfort is valid.
- Your “antennas” are wise.
- You are not overreacting.
- TFCC is real — and it is recognised.
- There is support available.
- You deserve to be safe in your phone, your inbox and your life.
And you deserve tools that help you reclaim control.
If you need help gathering your digital evidence safely, fairly and without the emotional toll, you can explore Dispute Buddy here:
It may be the first step toward clarity — and toward feeling like yourself again.
